Menopause & Midlife: When Her Libido is Ready to Party, and He Just Wants to Nap
”Well, here we are. Midlife. That special time where everything you thought you knew about your body decides to rewrite the rulebook. If you’re like me, you might be at the end of perimenopause, with your libido dialed up to 100. Meanwhile, your partners libido? Let’s just say it’s taking an extended coffee break, and I’m not sure it’s coming back. I don’t know who in the universe decided that when women are finally feeling free, fabulous, and ready for some extra “quality time,” their male partners should suddenly turn into the human equivalent of a houseplant. But here we are: my hormones are throwing a sexy rave, and he’s… well, he’s half asleep on the couch, drooling. Let’s dive into this rollercoaster of desire, mismatched libidos, and how we’re managing (or not) this hilarious, somewhat tragic phase of life.
Perimenopause Turned My Libido Into a 25-Year-Old, His Is Taking Early Retirement
I’m in my late 40s, feeling confident, empowered, and (surprisingly) more interested in sex than I ever was in my 20s. Something about getting older, shedding the worries about pregnancy, and just not caring about “looking perfect” in bed anymore has done wonders for my libido. I’m practically purring like a cat. Then, I glance over at him. He’s blissfully watching the latest football match that aired, scratching his belly, completely unaware that I am mentally undressing him from across the room. And there it is: my dilemma. I’m ready to get the party started, and he’s wondering if there’s any leftover carbonara. What gives, universe?
The Libido Mismatch: She’s in Overdrive, He’s Stuck in Neutral.
Apparently, this is normal. (Though, I have some choice words for whoever decided this should be normal.) While my hormones are throwing a bikini clad pool party, his testosterone is gradually packing up its things, putting on its slippers, and settling in for an extended nap. It’s like our libidos traded places. For women like me, perimenopause can sometimes come with a surprising and insatiable libido boost. Meanwhile, for men, midlife often means a natural decline in sex drive. It’s like I’m revving a Ferrari engine, and he’s sitting in a Prius—on economy mode. And it’s not like he doesn’t want to want sex. The poor guy feels guilty when he sees me winking at him like a teenager. I get a lot of “maybe tomorrow,” or worse, “can we just cuddle?” (Cuddling is great, don’t get me wrong, I love it but I didn’t buy fancy lingerie to cuddle, my friend.)
Attempting Seduction in Midlife: A Comedy of Errors
Now, you’d think with all this extra sexual energy, I’d have developed some sort of seduction superpowers. But no. When you’re dealing with a man who’s low on testosterone and high on snack consumption, your seduction attempts start to feel more like a sitcom episode than a steamy romance.
Scene 1: The New Lingerie
I buy something silky and surprise him after dinner. He looks up, smiles sweetly, and says, “You look great, babe! Mind if we catch the game first?” To which I think, “Oh, sure, because nothing says “I’m in the mood like watching a group of guys chase a ball for two hours. Wait… I might just be hornier than before.”
Scene 2: The Subtle Flirt
I try to get his attention by sending flirty texts while he’s at work. Something like, “How is my sex machine doing today?” Only to receive the riveting reply of, “ My back hurts and I feel bloated. Maybe I should stop drinking wine“. What did he just say? And I know you ladies out there can agree that wine is necessary.
“Scene 3: The Bold Move
I decide to just go for it and start kissing his neck while he’s reading. He turns to me, eyes wide, and says, “Oh wow, your skin is so hot, are you feeling okay? Should I get you some water?” Water? I am parched man, but not in the way you think!
We Need to Talk: The Libido Conversation
At some point, after several failed seduction attempts, and an unreasonable amount of cheese, champagne, and one too many rejections, I blurted out ” WE NEED TO TALK“ (aka “we need to talk about why you’re ignoring my advances”). Because, sure, it’s funny to joke about, but let’s be real—this mismatch in sex drive can lead to frustration on both sides. Here’s what I’ve learned about how to talk to a partner who isn’t quite feeling the way you are.
Start with empathy:
I try not to take it personally. It’s not about me—it’s his hormones doing the cha-cha while mine are twerking.
Be honest, but gentle:
I explained how I’m feeling more desire than ever, and how I need more connection. He agrees with me but sometimes his body just isn’t keeping up.
Work as a team:
We started brainstorming ways to still connect intimately without pressure. Sometimes that means other forms of closeness, like non-sexual touch. And sometimes, it means agreeing that I might have to… ahem, “handle things” myself from time to time.
Balancing Love, Lust, and Laughter.
Perimenopause with a high libido while your partner’s is hanging out at rock bottom isn’t easy. It’s frustrating, it’s funny, and sometimes it’s downright baffling. But in the end, it’s all about finding that balance. We’re learning to enjoy each other in new ways, and yes, we’re still making it work in the bedroom—just with a lot more creativity (and a whole lot of patience). So, if you’re in this boat too, remember to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Buy yourself a new toys and ride the roller toaster. Because if you can survive the hot flashes, the mood swings, and the mismatched libidos, you can survive anything. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got new lingerie to try on… again. Fingers crossed one of us doesn’t fall asleep before sexy time kicks in.